I’m…so…tired. 

Said anyone, all the time, ever. I’m encouraged to write this by a close friend of mine, who reminded me that my 58 seconds blog was inspiring, and he needed a sequel. Well, what’s my sequel? I’m..so…tired. And not mommy tired, but like literally tired. My kids have named my computer the “nighttime laptop” because that is what happens. We were hit hard in 2020, but not like many people because I still feel very, very, incredibly fortunate but damn it sucks to fall down and skin those knees AGAIN! I’m running out of Band-Aids and antiseptic.  

For anyone just tuning in, 58 seconds was the amount of time that the CFO and CRO of my previous company gave me in June of 2020 to tell me that my position had been eliminated due to the acquisition, and it was on Teams. BTW, I answered thinking I was getting promoted. I was busting my ass at that time, I was on a 16 person launch team for the acquisition, beholder of their digital marketing plan moving forward, hopping on daily 7am con calls with the new acquisition team members because we had to fly under the radar. I sacrificed my time with my family, my mental state and my marriage to do so much good for this company and in 58 seconds I was told that none, and I mean, NONE of my ass-kicking hard work mattered. So then the giant reset button had to happen and I had to jump into my business again that I had slimmed down to take this “opportunity.” Keeping only my favorites that I just wanted to do right by and their businesses. Clients rallied, they were supportive, they sent me work and my husband begged the question……build you company back UP! I laughed, because he didn’t realize that the Angel building a business resulted in my type A, unrelenting personality to just constantly work and deep dive into projects so hard that I’ll never come up for air. I’m my father’s daughter, and that is what my dad did. And I believe that in his last years of life, he desperately tried to get me to pull my head out of my ass to actually enjoy life because I was so uptight. Want to know how uptight? My dad used to pick on me because I wouldn’t even go through a yellow light. Talk about NOT living. 

But back to why I am SO tired. I worked on my business, we ended up FINALLY buying a house after losing 2 due to COVID and I got some stable contracts for digital strategy. Then in October I threw my hat in the ring to a company that I had stalked and wanted to work for, for over 2 years! I got the message when I was on Fall break with my family, not paying attention to email because what was the point!? Upon return, I saw the message – “We are interested!” My heart literally fell to the floor. I immediately emailed back and apologized that I was on Fall break with my family. First vacation of the year!!  Whooooooo! High fives all around.

I had a phone interview the next day, an in person the next week and in 5 short days from the original email, I was hired as a contractor to prove myself. I was scorned by corporate, feeling like my work didn’t mean anything, so I kept all my contracts and my favorite clients. And worked, and worked and worked and worked. 

30 days in, cancelled family trip for Christmas. Still tired.

60 days in, kids have finally returned to in-person learning after 10 months of online learning. And I’m still tired. 

90 days in, hired by the company and anxiety at an all-time high as I want to keep working for my other clients. Still tired.  

120 days in. Working for “the man” again, and by “man” I mean a top notch, women led organization. Was honest with everyone else, and everyone wanting to work with me. I’m obsessed with work and doing a good job. The balance has been found “ish” and the laptop is no longer “mommy’s night laptop.” Granted, my kids are currently playing outside, and my daughter just came up so excited that her nails are finally healing! Sanitizer and constant hand washing wreak havoc on the nails. 

And we all lived happily ever after…just kidding! I don’t let my kids believe in prince charming’s because why do we need a man to save us any way? Thank goodness for Wonder Woman, Moana and other strong, successful women. Do my kids “see” me less? Maybe. Are they seeing what hard work and dedication does? Absolutely. They don’t call me the Amazon Mommy for nothing. I may be working through my NEW 2021 just like everyone else, on top of feeling like an absolute failure to my family 40% of the time – but hey, they still love me anyway. I’m doing the best I can, being available to the best of my ability and being as honest as possible. While I cannot change my past, I know I was right to not choose to sacrifice my integrity – and I never will nor will I ever want my daughters to.